Dear future self:

I need to remember what it's like to be a medical student when I finally finish my training, the attendings really must not remember. It is so exhausting, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to constantly be the member of your team that is lowest in social standing, intelligence, and ability. I'm rotating through specialty clinics, and man is it humbling.

Notes to future me, Part 1:

1. Your medical students Do. Not. Care. about your fancy personal hobbies or your adorable shnuckum offspring. However, because you are responsible for our grades we will agonizingly pretend to, despite having 3 notes left to finish from this morning's clinic (knowing it means we'll be staying till 7 or 8 that evening, while you trot off at 5pm to co-sign our notes at your leisure)... AHHH stop it already! Also stop. Also I'm not sad that you are having difficulty finding good storage facilities for your boat.

2. Stop interrupting my presentations every other sentence. I have trouble keeping track of the 50 things a patient has just thrown at me in a completely disorganized fashion and have worked hard to present in a logical and clear way.

3. Remember all the completely dumb dumb dumb stuff you said when you were a 3rd year. Then remember how awful you felt for the rest of the day agonizing over it.

4. Your med student is not impressed by standoff-ish arrogant attitudes. We don't think you are smart because you intimidate people. News: I've worked with a bunch of really brilliant physician teachers by this point in my training, and I have worked with doctors I respect and want to be like who are super nice to me. You being a jerk just makes me hate you.

Doing work.



Long list of things to do today:

So far, one has been checked off, to the displeasure of Oliver (he hates the rain).

 

 

So close, and yet so far..

Bright light

 

In an otherwise rather dreary existence. Currently on the renal consult service.

Here is the lovely Teddy (referred to as 'Hank' in previous posts) in a Cindy Ishoy clinic held at our barn last week.  As you can see we're working a lot on basics, trying to maintain a steady contact, transitions, accuracy of figures, etc.  All good things.

Our canter work leaves much to be desired, some of this is fitness (as evidenced by his belly). I ride once a week (more if at all possible, but rarely possible), and his rides w other lessoner's are mostly WT and if canter not any kind of collected 'non-nose sticking way out' kind.

 

 

Things to work on (there are lots, here are 3):

1. Shoulders back!  I feel like they're rolled back, but in seeing the video they really look slouchy.

2. Hands down. I tend to carry them a little too high above the withers.

3. Accuracy of figures, all the time.  Cindy's quote "make the figures do the work"

 



Week 2 of my surgical rotation down, I feel like an idiot I'd say 95% of the time - it's super. I actually am enjoying my time in the OR, I like the procedures and when I'm standing in there I really don't feel the hours ticking by, but as soon as you stop holding a retractor or step away from the table you realize WOW that was really cramping my hand or yep my legs are exhausted or hungry hungry hungry please let me eat (or sleep, sleep would be good too)..

I'm also on edge all the time; attendings ask questions at any moment. I'm at the hospital from 4:30am- 6-8 pm (which apparently isn't that bad for surgery rotations) so study time is limited, I'll try to read up on whatever procedure I'm going in for and scan as much as the patients' charts as I can before going in, but inevitably whatever I've managed to read is Not what they decide to ask. 

As always, Sucks to suck.

So crescent rolls might taste good...

"But if you have them in your kidneys, you're gonna die!  - insert maniacal laugh - "  ~ Dr. Edward Goljan
(his voice haunts my dreams)
(he has a board review audio series)

Studying for boards this semester has been .. draining.  My last final is Monday morning, after which I'll have roughly 4 weeks of dedicated study time before the biggest exam of my life.  Naturally, I have Excel and Calendar plotted this time out, with each day accounted for including a Daily Schedule dictating my hours 7am-10:30pm.  Step 1 scores are one of the largest determining factors in our residency applications.  I'm not handling the stress excellently, I would say.

Yes, I included motivational quotes for myself on my study schedule.  Don't judge.

I really hope I have the fortitude to stick this schedule out for 4 weeks.  I'd like to believe I can do this, and part of this blog is me posting my goals and plans hoping I'll live up to them.  So, future Rachael you better stick to this schedule and rock your boards.  No excuses.  Quitting is for pansies.

Out of shape

Riding shape, that is (lets not talk about any other kind of shape, ok??).  Last weekend I was able to ride Fri, Sat, and Sun - it was heaven.  However, my muscles were decidedly not so blissful, particularly my right peroneus longus.  On Saturday I was riding the friend's trainer's retired grand prix horse and our lesson was quite long and tough.  My right ankle started giving me some serious pains and it really felt like it was just going to shatter.  I finally had to ask to take a break by taking my feet out of the stirrups (I was quite embarrassed, I'm not the type to give in to pain, but it was at the point where it was a real stability issue and I was worried about damaging a joint).  Feet out of the stirrups helped relieve that pain, but it made me more aware of my burning muscles everywhere Else that were being worked by this horses' awesomely big trot, now without stirrups!  Needless to say, I had some recovery in order over the week.

I pulled out my trusty Netters and between that and some avid UpToDate reading determined I must have strained my peroneus longus.  I think the excessive time in dorsiflexion and using too much leg not core to try to control my posting must have caused it; I was tender to palpation all the way up my lateral calf over the muscle belly and sharply painful on eversion and plantarflexion (surprising to me why dorsiflexion caused plantarflexion pain, learn something new every day).

 

(not a lovely Netter image, but you get the idea)

 

And thus almost two years of medical school is almost, slightly useful, but I still needed textbooks and le internetz to diagnose myself. 

 

I leave you with some photos of my fuzzy little munchkin:

 

 

I started to do some clipping to get ready for spring, but unfortunately misjudged the ears, they're a little lopsided!

 





Luckily I left the rest of the fuzzy quite Fuzzy- it's been super cold this week.

He loves this rope, he'll entertain himself for a good 20min at a time (impressive for him) lying on his back and snuffling and chewing at it.





Always behind

That's how I'm feeling right now, anyway.  The 'To Do' list seems to be never-ending, I can never seem to reach the end of any given list before a new one is started.

Two things checked off and it's 2:30 in the morning.. lovely. (to be fair, the Path cases were a Huge task, and my boards questions are almost finished.. so yeah..)

 

 

I haven't ridden in the past several weeks, there just hasn't been time, and it's miserable.  I'm hoping this weekend to break that cycle!  Over winter break we had really terrible weather, I tried to ride every day it was above 15 degrees, but sadly that was really not that often when you factor in wind chill!  One Really cool opportunity I had was to ride at a friends' barn, her trainer let me take a lesson on a retired grand prix horse!  That, my friends, was a much needed reminder of why I'm muddling through lower level dressage - it was such a lovely glimpse of what I one day want to be able to achieve / train.  (the canter really made me laugh out loud, the smoothness but huge jump - so cool!!)

 

I leave you with Valentine's Day French Toast.  Happy February!  Hug and kiss your horses and pets if you have them, significant others should do if you don't!